Glued

Do you know, there's nothing I'd like to do more than knock on your door, and when you answer, just open up my heart and tell you exactly how I feel.

But, I can't. And I think you know that I can't.

And let's be honest, it's not only because I'm lucky enough if I'm able to string more than three words together into a coherent sentence when you're around anymore, much less put these feelings to words. I mean… That, too. Though I guess there are three words that, strung together, would provide an accurate summary…

But, no. That's not why. I know it, and you know it.

I am weak, in so many ways. I'd like to think that, if the stars ever do align for us that I could find strength where now I cannot, for you. But that's for another day.

But in the past year or so, I've learned I do have one strength that I didn't know existed in me. I'd never really been tested before. I'm not going to lie, there are times I wish, so very much, that this weren't true. How strange is it, to be strong and yet wish so much to be weak?

I think you know the strength I mean. I like to think you, also, have that strength, and that's why you haven't been to my door. I mean, that's what I tell myself. Chances are, you don't even consider it, but I like this fiction better, so that's the story I go with. My headcanon, if you will.

I feel like, for me, there may well be change in the air. I couldn't begin to predict when. I can barely even decide if it's actually coming or not. But, something has to change, if I'm to be true to myself and my own well-being. This is true, independent of you.

On the off chance you're also feeling stuck, like the pieces have been glued to the board…

I won't make promises that I can't keep. But know this: you are always on my mind. And I'm always trying to work out just which solvent to use to remove the glue without damaging the pieces, or the board. Every problem has a solution. I don't know yet what the solution to the problem of you is, but I'm working on it. Always.

In the meantime, even just the little tiny tidbits of time I've been allowed to spend with you have been some of the best memories I've ever made. Our current relationship, such as it is, is incredibly important to me. I wish I could see you more. I wish I could see you every day of my life. But, while I'm working on a solution, I will happily, so happily, take what I can get. I hope we continue to bump into each other on walks. I hope the occasional neighborhood party or kid-related activity bring us together, even if just for a few moments. Those moments, no matter how brief, are the air that I breathe. They nourish me in a way nothing ever has before.

So, for now, I'll see you around. And if you ever want to talk, even just in the capacity of a friend… I am here, always. Working on glue chemistry.